I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
