And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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