Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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