and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
