Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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