Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
