I just saw a hot homeless man
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
