Ambien. No doubt about it.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
