The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
