eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
