after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
