we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
