I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
