half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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