My sheets look like a crime scene.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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