I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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