Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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