Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
