Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I didn't notice because vodka
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
