oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
