U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
