About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
