i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
