it hurts more in the daytime
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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