he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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