I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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