he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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