I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
