Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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