never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
