Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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