i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
