I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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