you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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