so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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