I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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