There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
