Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
