you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
