the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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