my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
