Can Purell be used as lube?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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