M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
