non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So much rum. So many feels.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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