Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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