respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
