the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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