Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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