I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize