I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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